The Dad Talk

This whole exploration of my relationship started with my having to go and clean my parents' house, because it was out of control a mess, and my dad getting very angry in the process. From there, it moved into my own exploration of self, and my exploration of my relationship with my father, and his with me. I came to the conclusion that he isn't emotionally present in my life, and that he's had issues with being emotionally and physically present for a great deal of my life.
There were and are a lot of issues and problems that came up, but this one was the major one. If my dad wan't willing to come to the table and be emotionally present with me -- let me learn who he is, and have him come to understand who I am, then the rest really didn't matter. If he was willing to come to the table and talk and move closer together, then the rest would eventually come out. So, I resolved to talk with him on just this point.

Last night I went down, totally worried and anticipating any number of reactions, from my dad being blocked and unwilling to hear me, to my dad bursting out in tears and connecting with me. What I found, instead was a man who was calm, receptive, and yet still a little distant, maybe even distant from himself.

I talked to him about how I felt he wasn't emotionally present in my life, and I finally told him about how much I needed him as a kid, and how he was always too busy for me. I told him I understood trying to raise a family and have money, etc. but I also told him that to a kid, it didn't matter -- I needed him to be my playmate, and I felt we missed that. I didn't pull out the laundry list, but I did have to explain to him by citing a few examples of what I meant. He was confused and not totally aware of all the concerns I had, but he did say he was sorry for the time he didn't have for me as a kid.

He also said that he's felt that he's been waiting for me to invite him into his life, and he felt like I've not had the time for him, or I've excluded him from life events. So, here we were -- two men waiting for each other to step forward and make ammends. I was waiting for him to want to be in my life, he was waiting for me to invite him into my life. See where not communication gets you, boys and girls?

I was disappointed with some of his reactions. I felt like some things just didn't register as being a big deal for him, or he didn't understand how they were a big deal for me. Some stuff, some big news -- he found out through other channels, but instead of talking to me directly, he waited for me to come to him about it -- that's over 2 years of waiting. I would have gone directly to my son and brought it up, and dealt with it -- but he chose to wait. I think to avoid. Well, that is what it is. I finally did talk to him, and he didn't have a lot of answers other than 'sorry it happened' and 'nothing to do about it now'. I wanted him to be upset -- he was, instead, resigned.

I mentioned to him how I thought he was missing out on his grandson's life, and I felt he was repeating a pattern, and how he really is missing out on a great kid. He knows Eli's a great kid -- and again, he's been waiting for me to invite him in. I kinda feel like that's a cop-out. If he cared enough, he'd make the move forward. But-- perhaps he thought he was doing the best thing for me by respecting what he perceived as my boundaries. I am glad to have cleared the air on that one, and told him there are no such boundaries. Sometimes, I need someone to break through and try to reach me -- my good friends know this about me.

My dad talked about his dad, and how he was unemotional -- how he would never hug him or his siblings, and how he has tried to improve on that. I think that he has, but again -- I am trying to improve on my own father, and now I am trying to bring him along.

We did talk about the cleaning incident, and he said he's over it -- he mostly felt like he was being coerced and manipulated, and he was a bystander in the process. I concede that some of that is pretty much true -- however, his letting things go so far was his abdication of participation to me. When things look that scary, it's hard to believe that the person living in that way is willing to meet you half-way on a clean-up project.

I tried to bring up issues about how my dad treats my mom -- how he's distant, maybe not exactly caring, how she's reporting that he's being mean. I knew this had a big potential of making him defensive, so I tried to bring it up in a non-threatening way, such as 'how are you and mom doing?', or 'you know, mom has been talking to me and she seems to feel...'. He seemed completely oblivious and disconnected, and not really aware of this. He's in denial -- to him, everything is fine.

In the end, I did get across to him that I felt I needed more from our relationship, and he seems willing to try. The way I see it, this was just the first conversation -- the one that allows for more. I was hoping for more emotion than I got, and I have realized in the end -- this is a bigger issue for me than it is for my dad. I do feel relief, in a sense that this is tractable, but I also know we have a long road to tow and... I may not be able to change his behavior. All I can do is learn to be okay with it all. I can open the door to him, but he has to walk through. I've made my first attempt. Obviously he can't change the past but he certainly can change the future, and step up to having a more involved relationship with me now. I don't want to sit and lay blame and accusation for the past -- I want to talk about now and the future.

As Julie points out, he's lucky that he's getting another chance to make things right, most people don't. Let's see what he does with it. At this point my work to do is just learn to accept whatever my dad can (or can't) give me, and move on, and be sure to pay enough attention to my own son.