October 2004 Archives
...or 'The Great CRAP Project' for short.
Ever since I got aggregiously ill last weekend with the pukies, I realized I was abusing my body. I was drinking between 4-5 cups of coffee a day, much of which I was consuming after the hour of 9pm, up to 1am, and I was getting about 2-4 hours of sleep on average a night for weeks on end. Since Monday, I have cut my consumption of coffee down to one cup a day (except for gaming nights), and drinking a little green tea or other non-coffee caffeinated beverages. My goal is to cut down to a very minimal amount, and with the combination of exercise and yoga techniques, perhaps eliminate my need for habitual consumption altogether. I know I'll ever STOP drinking caffeine or coffee altogether, but I can't be a slave to this monkey any longer. I've also been sleeping more, an average of 6-7 hours a day, which leaves me awake and refreshed. Go figure, more sleep means a better quality life.
So I just recently found out that a friend is very ill. Things are early, and she and her family are finding out tomorrow the scope and depth of what needs to be done when, and so I will find out when they find out. I am in a pretty surreal state about it, feeling lots of love and compassion and anxiety, and really there's nothing I can personally do to make things better but pray to the universe for aid, to send out my own positive energies, and put my faith in the powers that be that all will be well. Some things just don't have answers, like why do good people get sick out of nowhere, or why can't I fix things if I care hard enough?
So I appeal to you, great power of the universe -- give aid to my friend and her family in their time of greatest need. Give as only you know how, and take the pain and the illness from her. Give her and her family comfort and strength to face the days and weeks ahead, and heal her body and make her whole.
That is all I can do, is make this prayer. That, and be there for them when they need me.
Have you ever played a role playing game that you had no idea what would happen when you started, but by the end of the first session you are rolling on the floor laughing, and cannot wait until the next session, because your character was so completely suited towards making a fool of himself for the campaign? Well, that happened to me tonight when I played the first session in a modern-day adventure where two world-class computer nerd programmers get into a twilight-zone quality situation, and procede to make one foolish and silly maneuver after another. Man, I can't wait until next week.
That's right, looks like Eli's gonna have a baby bro coming in March. It's interesting. Initially I felt a bit of a loss in the feeling that I wouldn't be able to experience being a dad to both a son and a daughter, but that was quickly replaced with the excitement of raising two brothers. I never had a brother other than the ones I adopted for myself, but I have seen a very special and particular bond between male siblings that I really can't wait to be a witness to, as well as an active part. The possibilities of male bonding are myriad, from scouts to sports... but in particular, Eli as an older male role model to the new bro is really very exciting. Eli has shown me that boys do not necessarily mean rowdy and uncontrollable. Boys can mean sweet and sensitive, funny and thoughtful. Because of Eli, I am excited to be dad to another boy.
October 17th, 1993 I declared my love for Julie and we became a couple. After three days of intensive messaging over the internet (this is pre-iChat -- we're talking shell technology here with YTalk -- Old school, yo!), I drove down the coast from Berkeley to Santa Barbara in my dads's crappy 240 Z which overheated like 3 times on the way down, just to be with her. It was a Thursday night. We hadn't even ever kissed yet, and yet we decided we wanted to live the rest of our lives together. That's love. I made the right choice, and I was sooo damn lucky.
I spent the weekend away in the Northern coast of our beautiful state, in a place called Sea Ranch. It wasn't that we went to a location that was overly special or amazing (although it was idyllic). It wasn't that we did anything overly amazing or wonderful -- we mostly sat around reading and hanging out, with a visit to the beach briefly. In fact, I spent last night up with my son while he suffered from the stomach flu. But what was special is that I was completely unhooked from the internet, and from any agenda of my stressful life. I got to just live my life without worrying about what I had to do the next day or monday. I just chilled. Man, I wanted to stay out there for a week. I guess I need a vacation. I'm so stressed out about my current project and getting things done, not to mention all the other things I try to get done in the cracks, not to mention my general condition of sleep deprivation. I think I need to learn how to just live my life on the weekends without being hooked into the stress train which is my weekly normal diet. Speaking of sleep deprivation, it's 11pm, and i'm heading to bed. Go figure.
It seems that my mind produces more ideas than I can write down, my will drives me to more tasks than I have time or energy to finish, and all the things I need to get done, and all the commitments I make overstrip all of my time leaving me with no time to ever get bored or do absolutely nothing -- which I do anyhow, because I need to have my time to veg, so it's inevitable that something always gets left to not get done. I know my life needs simplification, but I can't seem to get from this side of the chasm to the other. Why can't I give up the things that I want to do, so that I feel less general stress in my life? Why can't I just end up doing more? It's why I never sleep, because I'm always wanting to fit that little bit more into my life. Is this a common experience, or am I a special case? Is it a modern condition to be so crazy busy and without contemplation time? I was listening to NPR the other day on my way to work, and there was a discussion of the decline of readership of novels, and the general loss of 'contemplation time', so I can't help but thing I'm just a victim of a general trend, but there is an element of choice here that I cannot deny. I do choose to be this busy to a certain extent -- there's way too much in life that I want to get done. Trying to do it all, and to raise a family is proving to be difficult if not impossible. I am trying to trim my life where I can, and I hope that eventually I can find that magical balance. I guess you'll hear about it, if I do. I just hope I can keep the blog going consistently. These last few weeks have been crazy nuts for me, with work being what it is. I've been working on this project for the last year it feels like, but only recently have we actually gotten any code written, and we're way behind. I feel like I am bumbling through my end of things, only kinda knowing what I'm doing in a world of frameworks that are relatively new to me. We really only have a few weeks until we were supposed to have a beta test ready, and a month until we are supposed to show our results to the 'rest of the class', but I really have doubts we're going to make it. I am hoping I'm just being pessimistic and alarmist, but we don't have a lot built out, and I am not certain how close we really are to finishing. I guess that's the problem, we don't have a clear roadmap to the steps between where we are and where we need to be, and with really weeks in the making here, I'm just not seeing us hitting target. I'm starting to feel the stress of it all, and I've been having problems sleeping over it. But since I'm so busy, I'm finding it hard to focus my energies into changing the situation by working extra hours, etc. and I feel like my knowledge is somewhat limited by my inexperience, and I have never been a very fast coder. Well, I guess it is what it is, and I have no choice but to just work as best as I can and hope to make deadline. I had a conversation with my boss yesterday, and clued her in to where I felt we were on the project. I think it surprised her a bit that we were so behind, considering I haven't said anything until recently about it, but when I get panicked I tend to quiet up and tuck in and hope to get things done before anyone notices. The exact wrong tactic to get stuff done, but it's my defense mechanism. Next week I expect a radical shift in things, and some focused efforts on getting the project in line. I just fear I may have shaken her trust in me being able to handle things on my own. The truth is, we just haven't had enough time to do things right, and the schedule has been kinda insane as far as I am concerned, but that's where we are at. I have a great deal of faith in the other two engineers on the project, but the problem is -- one of them really isn't on the project, and the other one has been pretty busy himself on other work, so it's been me for the last few weeks bumbling around in the dark, with my rusty slow java skills trying to eek something out on my own, and failing miserably. But Monday makes a new week, and we'll see where we go from there. I just have to bury the panic and try to keep this from affecting the rest of my life too much.
So those of you who have been following, know I bought myself a brand-spankin' new powerbook laptop, and the love affair is in full swing. I was sick on Friday and stayed home, and while I was at home -- it appears my work decided that I needed a new computer, and ordered me up a... new powerbook laptop. It's identical to the machine I bought for myself, and now... I have two. So, my act that was supposed to simplify my life and condense my computer needs into one portable lovable aluminum wonder... has been replicated. The computer is on its way and is non-refundable. I know, who complains about having too many laptops? I just feel extravagant and wasteful, and the $3k that came out of my pocket seems like a waste. But... I guess it's best to keep work stuff on a work machine, and porn personal files on my personal machine. If I had been here, I would have just asked them to buy me a flatpanel screen or something, but hey, I should shut up and stop griping and appreciate that my work just decided to buy me a laptop! They rock.
why am I so busy?
So last Saturday I went down and had a conversation with my dad. We hadn't spoken really for about six weeks, ever since I had this really awkward conversation or not really even a conversation, but more like a sharing of a few words with my father, after I had just gotten an earful from my mother about how shitty everything was going between her and my dad. I asked him how he was doing, and with the intent that he knew I was talking about him and mom, and his response was nonchalant and covering about how everything was 'fine'. I knew he was lying to me, but instead of calling him on it, I just said 'uh, okay. I have to go', and hung up. Now, not everyone knows my dad, or you would get why I was so taken off guard. As a child, the number one ethic was honesty, and the number one sin was lying. It didn't matter what you did, or what you might get in trouble about, if you lied about it beforehand, your punishment was always worse. Here's this man who's tried to sell me the ethic of truth, deceiving not only mother in the act of infidelity, but also me who clearly knows something's up. So, I was a little bit miffed, to say the least. I found it very hard to talk to him, knowing there was this 800-pound gorilla in the middle of the room, and no one saying a thing about it. I couldn't carry on a superficial conversation with my father, so I chose not to talk to him at all. My father, on the other hand was convinced (rightly) that I was angry with him, but his response to avoid contact with me, acting confused about why I would be angry at him in the first place. So both of us spent our cycles wondering what the other person was thinking, and neither of us crossing the chasm of ignorance and fear to try to work the issue out. As my Yoga teacher told me, I was having an emotional reaction and sending him the bill, without owning my own issues. So, I decided (it being Yom Kippur), that I would attempt some at-one-ment with my father. I drove down there, and walked around the neighborhood with him as I told him how I felt on the issues that were swimming around in my head. I allowed myself to feel the anger that I had been diffusing, and repressing for years, and in allowing myself to be angry, I also found compassion. I came to realize my dad isn't all that different from me (in fact, we're fairly identical), except I am moving along the path of evolution, and I feel he's on the path of regression. Anyhow, we cleared the air, and at least I have said my piece without mincing my words, and he knows my intentions. Of course, yesterday my mom left a message on the machine saying something about 'new evidence' that my dad is still up to whatever he was up to before. Honestly, I just don't want to be involved in that issue any more. I would love for my dad to be fully disclosing with me on this issue, but we came to a mutual agreement and understanding that this is between him and mom and it's none of my business. And in trade for this, my dad won't lie to me. We'll see if he can keep up his part of the bargain. Honestly, I don't know if he can, and well -- what he does from here is up to him. I can only control my own actions and my own emotions, and I refused to get hooked. If I think he's lied to me or mislead me, I'll call him on it right then and there -- no more harboring internal issues. I can't do that anymore.
Anyhow, it's 3:30 am, and I felt I needed to get a post up, because it's been over a week. More to follow, but for now -- I try to sleep.
