Vague Hints of Depression
I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like I'm on the fringe of depression. It's either depression, or it's breakthrough. I'm not sure which. I've been withdrawn and introspective and I've also been centered and grounded, but tonight, for some reason, I feel a sadness. Earlier tonight Julie and I had a rough interaction, and that brought up a lot of things for me, like I haven't been feeling very intimate lately, and I feel somehow distanced from my own life. I have a little baby coming in about a month, and maybe that's making me dig inward. I have all this crap that is floating around me, all these obligations, and so much left unfinished. I'm feeling like I need to put this house in order, but I'm unable to reach out and get help. I'm feeling kinda alone in a strange way, but I also can see how I'm feeling at the same time, and I feel myself moving through it. Mostly, I think I'm afraid and I'm in need of connecting with Julie, but I'm having a hard time articulating it, or letting myself move into that space. My issues have always been with intimacy, and my defense mechanism is to shut off. So my fear makes me cold, distanced, some sort of efficiency machine. And of course, this is when Julie needs me the most. But admitting it is the first step, I suppose. In a sense, the depression I am starting to feel is a good sign -- it means my emotional capacity is starting to reconnect. Tomorrow is a new day. I'll make the most of it.
Hugs! I totally understand. If you ever want to talk... just 'e' or whatever. Love you!
Daph
I'm here if you need to talk...
Perhaps we can go to a quiet cafe and just talk the night away like old times :)
Separated at birth, that's what we were, Joshie. It's the baby, man. Totally. That is a major deal, and it's been a nice 4 years since the last time so you've had plenty of time to forget all the stuff you used to know and feel competent. My break was only 18 months so it was all relatively fresh. Don't worry about it, you'll remember everything like it was yesterday and things will be cool. You might have to take a break from some of the activities you've got going on, but it won't be a very long one so don't worry about that. Everything will be fine, I mean, look at me. I was about the worst-case scenario when Ella was born (except that I stuck around and stuck with it, but that's about the only saving grace) and Ava's birth and infancy was a cake-walk.