Connection
My parents came up to visit and hang out with Isaac, obstensibly, as did my sister and Quinn, and while we had a fairly pleasant visit, one thing that stood out for me is how my father wouldn't hold Isaac. I have this feeling that he's afraid of babies, and feels uncomfortable with children. He never engages with Eli unless we make a point of fostering it, and Eli will sit and try to get my dad's attention 'baba, baba, baba...' and my dad won't look until Julie or I bring it to his attention that Eli is trying to talk to him. It really makes me reflect on my relationship with my dad -- did he hold me much as a little baby? Has he always been this way, or has he just become this way after many years of inexperience? What exactly is he afraid of? Does he allow for connection in his life at all, if he can't allow himself to connect with his relatively uncomplicated grandchildren?
Well, you can bring a horse to water. It's just such an interesting contrast from anyone else we've had over to visit the baby. They've wanted to do just that, visit the baby. My dad just... visited around the baby.
Yeah, it makes me sad. :( I don't think it's just babies or children he has a hard time connecting to...I think you hit the nail on the head tho when you asked if he allows for connection in his life at all. I don't think he does. Or maybe he would, if he could, but he sure doesn't remember how. Sigh.
That just sucks, no way around it. Psychologically, it could explain why you feel the need to make so many connections with people in your own life. It makes me sad to think of little Joshie not getting enough affection or attention from his Dad. I'm sure it does the same for you. But, you're the one to break the cycle now. You're the one to change things and make sure that your children get as much time with you as you can make. So that, when they grow up, they won't be wondering why Dad didn't let them in. Evolution is painful, but beautiful. I'm so proud of you already, J.