August 2005 Archives
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Thirty-three years ago I was born to a seventeen-year-old mother and a twenty-eight-year-old father, in Fremont, California, into a world of hope and possibility. Today, thirty-three years later, some of that hope has been dash, but some has exceeded itself. Much of the possibility has been resolved into actuality, but much remains. I am a sum of my years on the planet, and today I celebrate another cycling of the planet, another passing of the seasons, another farsical reason for poetic contemplation.
First off, I would like to thank each and every one who commented on my blog entry from several days ago, both on my website (http://www.joshuaarcher.com/) and on the LiveJournal replication (http://www.livejournal.com/users/jarcher) -- I will be writing you / contacting you about your offers and definitely taking you up on it.
Secondly, I'd like to take a moment just to complain a little bit about my parents, one of my favorite pass-times, and let's face it, they're to blame for today anyhow, so I might as well point out some of their lunacies. Today, up in Valley Springs (and as of yet, I've to locate the spring -- it's more aptly named 'desert at the foothills'), my family has coordinated a family reunion for my mother's side of the family, and while I know they were restricted the schedule of others for the gathering, and this weekend was the optimum weekend to hold the event, I'm left holding the emotional baggage of having my parents devalue my birthday by planning this event and expecting me to go. I told them months ago that I had plans on my actual birthday day, and I wouldn't be able to go, but they've been insistent, and now my dad has sent me an email for one last round of guilt, using my grandfather's appearance and getting him a chance to see his great-grandchildren as a last-ditch effort to get me to drive out to the middle of the freakin' valley 4 hours away so that I can appease my mother's sense of having 'four generations' at this reunion, which I personally hold little attachment to. I would love for my grandfather to see my kids. He lives in Las Vegas and doesn't make it out this way very often, and it would be a good opportunity. However, I have already made plans long ago for tonight, and today I made plans for that I don't want to break. I don't want to drive an eight-hour round trip and try to make it back here by 8pm just to visit for a few hours. I don't really know or care much about my second cousins twice removed, and part of me is bitter on several counts around the whole issue. For one, I feel like my parents don't spend very much effort during the year to come visit their own grandkids or form a relationship with them, or even myself, but they have pushed so much time and energy in this reunion. It seems like misplaced priorities to me. Secondly, and this is sort of my own 'get over it' issue, but I am still bitter about how my parents took off on my 18th birthday to Washington state for another family reunion, and left me alone in the bay area to move myself into the freshman dorm at UC Berkeley, and how I spent my first day at school, on my birthday, all alone. That was eleven years ago, but it still bugs me a little bit, because it represents a lifetime of inattention and devaluation on their part. Anyhow, I'm not going. Instead I'm gonna spend the day and evening with friends, and I'll just deal with the guilt and emotional fallout that will occur from me not playing along with this silly reunion.
Okay, on to happier things -- tonight I'm heading out to SF and spending the evening with friends at an event tailored by my good friend Jason. He said he wanted to handle my birthday this year, and he's gone to a lot of time and effort to arrange something. It's totally awesome and I love him for it. I'm gonna have a great time, I know it.
Thirty-three years doesn't seem that old to me, but my life has many accomplishments. I'm married for ten years this year, I have two children, I own my own home, have a stable job, interests that keep me engaged with life, and a bright future. In many ways, I feel like I've 'come of age' into adulthood. I've been sitting at the twilight of my youth for several years now, but I feel like I just saw that green flash as the sun dips below the horizon. At this point, it's undeniable that I'm a 'grown-up' -- adult, first-class. I am always going retain child-like qualities, I'm always going to play and have silly fantasies. But, I have taken on the mantle and responsibilities incumbent of my age and station. I'm a daddy, an adult, responsible for myself and others. I am certain I've got plenty to learn, and in the world of grown-ups, I'm still a youngin', but I feel this year for the first time a definite passage of a rite, through a one-way gate. Perhaps Tolkien has something to do with it, perhaps it's just my current musings. Maybe it's just maturity that comes from years on the planet and circumstances lived through. But whatever it is, I have to state that I'm having a good time here on the planet, and I'm facing my prime with enthusiasm.
Thank you universe for putting me here, right now, and letting me view it all from this perspective. Happy birthday to me.
I am not one for deciding what I want for my birthday. Material presents bore me - Either I don't want it, or I usually buy it for myself. I do like anything off my Amazon list, but if you're not into that, there are a few things that come to mind that are excellent gifts for me. I am totally serious about all of them, and if any sound good, please sign up for the task. I would accept any and all with the utmost gratitude. Here's one request per year of my life come my birthday.
1) That aforementioned coffee mug. Dude, those are cool tech.
2) I would *love* for someone to buy a nice picture for my hall bathroom and hang it up in there. It's so empty and drab, and I am tired of looking at the blank wall. Same goes for the 'master' bath, whatever that means in an Eichler.
3) I would love to see some template/trim decoration painted along the top border of the same bathroom.
4) I need to figure out a better sound system for the living room. I need some help picking things out, and installing them.
5) I need new speakers for my car. I'll pay for them, I just need help picking them out.
6) I'd love one of those iPod connectors to your car stereo. I need to locate who sells them. This is the type that's a cradle and plugs directly into your system. They sell one for $100 or something like that, and it's supposed to be the best.
7) I'd love someone to take my iPod back to the apple store (again) because this second one I got to replace my first one that broke... is broke.
8) Recently I got this 'great courses' catalog in the mail which is a place you can acquire recorded lectures on interesting topics from the best professors in the world. I'd love some of those.
9) I soooo need help gardening the back yard. My gardeners are feeble and charge too much anyhow. The back yard is just unfinished and needs a helping hand.
10) I need help installing the gate to the side yard so the dog can have a dog run and I can have a back yard that is dog-free for those events (or when the gardeners come).
11) babysitting so that Julie and I can go out and watch some movies and spend some time together.
12) I need help rodent-proofing my side yard.
13) I would like some golf lessons. I have clubs, I just don't know WTF to do with them.
14) New music to listen to.
15) I need help going through all my collected video footage and mastering them off to dvd. I also need help making compilations.
16) I would like guitar lessons.
17) I would like to just get together and jam, and be allowed to suck and get better over time.
18) I really want to redesign yaboogie.com to be cool and useful, but I suck at design. I'd love help giving the site a facelift.
19) I'd love to go on an all-guy camping trip with my man-friends.
20) Lots of happy people coming to my birthday party.
21) I would love help designing the housegame.net site as well. I have really good ideas, but need help on the art/design side.
22) I would love to make a mini film with friends.
23) I would love to do some podcasts with friends.
24) I need cleaning and organizing my office. Dude, the place is a wreck.
25) I want to build a deck/playstructure for the kids out in the back yard. I will need from the design through building phase. I'd like to do this in the not-to-distant future (i.e. in the next year or so)
26) I need to re-lay the stones around the garden to the side yard to make an actual path. right now it sucks, and I have the stones, but I need to put in some guides and fill in with sand. Again, I'll buy materials. I just need help doing it.
27) I need help clearing the garage back to a usable space, and calling up good will or whoever the hell needs calling to take away all the crap we don't want/need. then calling 1800-u-got-junk or whatever to hall away the rest.
28) i would love to visit my friends more. Please call me at random times and invite yourself over.
29) I would love help scanning a shitload of photos into the computer. Even if its' just keeping me company while I do it, or watching the kids so I can get it done.
30) I would love help recreating my mix tapes from years ago as cd's.
31) I would love to get help touching up all the little nicks and dings on my car.
32) If anyone out there understands MovableType templates, I've got more work I'd love to do to my theme, but I don't get it all.
33) I would love to put in shelving in the garage and in the front garage area. I think home depot is gonna be the supplier, but I need help figuring it all out, pricing it, and installing it.
that's it, do with it what you will. thanks for listening.
- An eager or strong desire to achieve something, such as fame or power.
- The object or goal desired: Her ambition is the presidency.
- Desire for exertion or activity; energy: had no ambition to go dancing.
MAKE: Blog: Making Antifreeze from Biodiesel: " Okay, this is dang cool. Why don't we all have diesels?
Cindy Sheehan: Hypocrites and Liars : "'If you fall on the side that is pro-George and pro-war, you get your ass over to Iraq, and take the place of somebody who wants to come home. And if you fall on the side that is against this war and against George Bush, stand up and speak out.'"
Okay, so here it is, my very first podcast...
Dang, that was pretty easy.
Yes, I'm surfing the blogosphere... But isn't this cool?!
Academic Paper Says Edible Meat Can be Grown in a Lab on Industrial Scale: "August 16, 2005 Experiments for NASA space missions have shown that small amounts of edible meat can be created in a lab. But the technology that could grow chicken nuggets without the chicken, on a large scale, may not be just a science fiction fantasy. In a recent paper in the Tissue Engineering journal, a team of scientists has proposed two new techniques of tissue engineering that may one day lead to affordable production of in vitro - lab grown - meat for human consumption. It is the first peer-reviewed discussion of the prospects for industrial production of cultured meat. 'There would be a lot of benefits from cultured meat,' says University of Maryland doctoral student Jason Matheny, who studies agricultural economics and public health. 'For one thing, you could control the nutrients. For example, most meats are high in the fatty acid Omega 6, which can cause high cholesterol and other health problems. With in vitro meat, you could replace that with Omega 3, which is a healthy fat..."
gizmag Article: The LifeStraw – the invention of the century? Dude... Lifestraw. This shit is genius. Simple, elegant, inexpensive invention that could save millions of lives.
meandering wildly in all directions » Blog Archive » Using caffeine intelligently This is a great little blog entry espousing my favorite drug, and really taking a look at its use from a clinical, realistic perspective. It's brief and not overly informative, but still worth a read... with a cuppa joe.
Okay, is this just not too much or what?
1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
1.~How did you meet 
izzytart? I met her and quixhobbit together at ren faire
2.~What would you do if you had never met jdeguzman? be a sad pathetic human being
3.~What do you honestly think of izzytart? \m/
4.~Would or did izzytart and bratty_princess go out? I doubt it.
5.~Have you ever liked quixhobbit? lesse here... I MARRIED her.... like??
6.~If girlcat30 died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? Don't forget your silver for Charon
7.~Would jokerwonga and izzytart make a good couple? hahahahahhahahahahha *tears*
8.~Describe apotheosized in 3 words: brother-in-arms
9.~Do you think izzytart is hot? Sizzle!
10.~Would girlcat30 and izzytart make a lovely couple? not sure.
11.~What do you think of when you see bratty_princess? Fuzzy black kittens
12.~Tell me something humiliating about izzytart: Uh, no.
13.~Do you know any of izzytart's family members? yep.
14.~What's izzytart's favorite color? pink
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is izzytart? dude, i am not going to rank my wife's best friend.
16.~What would you do if beergeek just professed their undying love for you? go get a beer with him.
17.~What language does izzytart speak? geek
18.~Who is izzytart going out with? beergeek
19.~Is izzytart a boy or a girl? yes
20.~Would izzytart and beergeek make a good couple? ... hahaha... Think so!
21.~Who do you think izzytart would be great with from this list? beergeek
22.~When was the last time you talked to izzytart? yesterday
23.~What is quixhobbit's favorite band? too many to choose from
24.~Does jokerwonga have any siblings? don't know - dont' think so.
25.~Would you ever date izzytart? again, with the wife's best friend thing!
26.~Would you ever date apotheosized? in a gay moment, perhaps
27.~Is izzytart single? nope
28.~What is izzytart's last name? tart (post personal info?)
29.~What is izzytart's middle name? izzy
30~What is izzytart's fantasy? to be roadie for X
31.~Where does izzytart live? My town
32.~Would you make out with izzytart? dood, you are DETERMINED to get me into trouble!
33.~Are jdeguzman and izzytart best friends? they know each other
34.~Does apotheosized like izzytart? sure, they be buds
35.~How did you meet izzytart? you already asked me that.
36.~Is izzytart older than you? yep
37.~Is izzytart the sexiest person alive? !!!!
I'd have to say one of the greatest challenges of my life to my own happiness and well-being is that as a child I was incredibly intelligent, and succeeded at scholastics without a great deal of effort. I was the sort of kid that was literally the top of my class, and would enter and place in national competitions in math and science. Compounding this challenge is that this intellectual success was at the expense of being proficient in much of anything else. I know, you're reading this and saying 'Why the hell would being a super-brain be a challenge? You shouldn't be bitching!', but the reality of the situation is, today I'm much worse off than those who were merely good in school, but earned that status through hard work and attention, or even those who were mediocre and merely passed through school. I carry with me the dual baggage of being used to being the best, and not having to work very hard to get there.
The worst part of the journey for me was the last few years of high school, in which I literally missed roughly half the school year and still managed to pull of being ranked sixth in my class. I probably could have gotten Valedictorian if I had kept applying myself, but it would have been a hard and miserable fight, and I'm not certain it would have been worth it. Again, I was used to not working very hard, and what I discovered is that I could work a hell of a lot less hard and still receive nearly equivalent accolades as if I pushed a lot harder for only a small difference in rewards (yes, I discovered the 80/20 rule early). Instead, I learned the thrill of cutting lots of classes, blowing off schoolwork knowing that as long as my homework ended up in on time, and I showed up for the tests, I would still get the grades and have plenty of time to goof off or catch up on my sleep that I wasn't getting because I was out late every night hanging out at Denny's with my friends. I learned very bad study habits which did me a terrible disservice in college (skipping classes at Cal is not a good idea -- they don't tell you you need to be in class, but if you aren't, you really fall behind). As it turned out, college ended up being pretty damned hard, and since it didn't come easy to me, I was discouraged and that drove me to miss more classes, and do other things I was good at (by that time, it was partying).
But all of this is tangential to the aspect of early success that I've been thinking about recently. The truth is, I have a personality that requires for me to be either really good at something without giving it the required energy to actually be really good. It's this tendency that has kept me from being anything but a guitar hobbyist -- in truth, I haven't been serious about playing the guitar since high school. It's what's kept me from attaining any level of proficiency in mostly anything I do. I haven't learned how to work hard and long and with limited results (though I'm just starting to learn now), but more importantly... I haven't learned to be okay with being just okay at something. Mediocrity is something my psyche can't wrap itself around. To be mediocre is to be devalued. I sucked at school sports, and so I chose to not play them. I didn't stay with it, and try to learn to be better, because frankly, there were other things that I really was good at and that came easy to me. Or, when I decided that I had to be good at something, I had to also be the best. And I yearned to be the best, not for the sake of being the best, but really for the recognition.
In my various spiritual practices, I feel that my ego has often gotten in the way and has supplanted my earnest seeking, and truthfully, this is why I have most recently (last year) quit the Rosicrucian order. I was on the 'leadership' track, but I knew in my heart that I was not a faithful aspirant. I was going through the motions, leveraging my innate intelligence and my ability to fake it well, and at a certain point I realized that was not fair to the cause, not fair to those beneath me, and not fair to myself. So, I quit. I think that might have been the most significant spiritual decision I've made in a while. Of course, at the time, I had started practicing Yoga as well from a yoga master, and started to get into the deeper spiritual aspects of my practice. I felt that I was leaving one practice and entering another... but, again, the desire to be a master myself began to creep in, in most subtle ways.
The truth is, I am trying to learn in my life how to be okay with being merely okay at things. It's perfectly acceptable for me to be a dabbler in guitar and play a few songs without being an expert performer. It's preferable for me to have a modest spiritual practice, than to have no practice at all. I've been on a hiatus from yoga for the last 4-5 months due to the birth of our second son, and I've most recently started going again. In this yoga studio, there are gradations of classes, levels of rank 'beginner', 1, 2, and 3 (there might even be something beyond that), and in my private practice with my yoga master, he has a deep spiritual path that I could be following. I feel like such a novice, and I have a drive inside of me to become the best, to become expert. But the truth is, that's more energy than I have to expend right now, and I'm trying to learn the value of being a novice. In a creativity class I took last summer one of the lessons learned was the ability to be a novice, and to be a learner. I have to learn to be okay with being mediocre as well. Not because I think that's the highest level I can attain, or that I think that perhaps I should back off and not try for greatness... no, it's more subtle than that. I have to learn to be okay with where I am, and not to rush myself through an experience just because I feel I need to be better than I am right now. Be in the exercise. Be in the moment.
Especially in Yoga, the practice itself is the point -- the peace of mind, the re-integration of mind, body and (spirit/soul/orange soda) is exactly the goal, not getting to a headstand. I am learning to progress at the rate I can progress. I am learning to be okay with practicing only when I can practice. For some, this is an easy lesson to learn, or for others its something they never have to worry about. For me, however, it's difficult to let go of ego and allow myself to just be who I am in the moment that I'm being. I'm getting better, but I even have to be okay with being mediocre at being mediocre.
Tonight, in yoga, while doing my tree pose, I reached up in an almost stable balance, and felt truly grounded, and connected with myself. With who I am, right now. As I relaxed into my precarious balance, the balance replied by becoming more stable. If I worried about it, it would get shaky. I guess that's the same when it comes to balance in life. To have better balance, we need only release ourselves to the moment and release our anxiety and fear. To do otherwise is to lose our focus, and to falter. And so, I am learning to take baby steps in life, towards enlightenment, and I'm learning to be comfortable in the murky twilight of semi-awareness. Yogis can take a lifetime to reach Nirvana. Some never reach it. I may never reach it. But I do know, I will definitely never reach it, unless I release myself to the mediocrity of my abilities, and to relax into a deeper balance.
Tags: Yoga, balance, ego, mediocrity (technorati.com del.icio.us)Boing Boing: The light of the disk is endless.: This is an interesting entry about how Tibetan monks are using computers, and how they philosophize/poeticize their form and function. What I find intriguing are the several bloggers who leave comments lamenting that the monks would choose to use a medium that will wear out and/or lose their ability to read after several hundred years. To this, I think there is a misunderstanding of the buddhist ideal -- this is the same group of aspirants that create mandalas out of colored sand, only to destroy them afterwards. To the monks, it is about the experience of transcription, more than is it about archiving. Anyhow, just one of those days where I'm scooping content from the interweb and redelivering it to you with my own commentary. I need to release my own inner creativity soon.
As of late, I've been unable to get to sleep earlier than 2 or 3 in the morning, night after night. It's after midnight now, and I just can't manage to get myself to my bedroom. Watching movies, filling my time with distractions, and waking up tired every single day. I also try to get work done, but most of the time I just spin my wheels. I go through this from time to time, an inability to unplug from everything and just give in to the sleep. I've got to be up relatively early tomorrow to go down to my 15-year high school reunion (it's a casual bbq in the park), so I'm actually going to try and go to sleep now.
There's more I could say on the subject -- I could wax philosophical, but it's all just a ruse to stay away from sleep that much longer, so I'm going to give in to the original impulse.
So I was goofing around tonight, and I ran across this...
This is one of the very first blogs I started keeping, with Julie, about our experiences raising a very young Eli. We didn't get very far, nor keep it up very long, but there are half a dozen entries that are worth reading. It's funny how much has changed since then, but how relevant those feelings still feel today.
This brings up the topic of going back into the archives of blogs -- it an interesting predicament, since blogs by their nature are about what's happening in the moment (periodicals are about the present), but blogs unlike their ancestors, the web page, have a built-in history... that stays around. I can go back and see what I was talking about, thinking about, in the past for as long as I've been blogging.
For example, on June 27th, 2003, I talk about my gall bladder surgery just 4 days previous. On August 17th, 2003, I document the cutting of my hair. On April 28, 2004 I make an observation that I had no clue would show up in 'The Tipping Point' by Malcomb Gladwell. There are observations about my family, my kids, my life, work, etc. All there, captured for as long as the hard drive holds them. It's fascinating.
one day I'd like to go over the blog entries and write a book compiling the best of the last 30 years. Makes autobiography easy. In a way, isn't that what a blog is? An ongoing autobiography?
Okay, I have to get to sleep.
Okay, this is a deviance from my normal topic of conversation on my blog, but since I'm also a nerd, I can geek out on you if I want to :). So, one of the syndication feeds I subscribe to (and yes, I said syndication feeds instead of RSS feeds -- I've recently discovered that RSS is merely a syndication PROTOCOL, of which there are many) is onjava.com from O'Reilly, and recently (8/3/05), they posted an article on drools, a java rules engine that looks pretty damn nifty. It reminds me a bit of the direct-to-web rules engine used in WebObjects, but this of course is a) free/open source, b) much more universal in intent, c) uses XML-based rules, instead of whacky plists, and d) you don't need to be using WebObjects to get the power the rules engine.
Anyhow, if you're a nerd (and there are a few out there), check it out. I might end up using this in the future (looks good for AI programming).
Tags: (technorati del.icio.us)
BBC NEWS | UK | Muslims 'want prayers in English'
Has Islam found their Martin Luther?
You should be reading the Gas Guy's blog, if you aren't already. This particular entry is pretty profound. Ian, I think you'll like this one especially...
The Master.: "
I so just lifted this from a friend's blog:
Today's quote: "'At this point, anyone proposing to run Windows on servers should be prepared to explain what they know about servers that Google, Yahoo, and Amazon don't.'
-- Paul Graham, What Business Can Learn From Open Source
Joebob sez check it out."
(Via Mission: Monkeyboy.)
Thank you Warren Ellis for showing me this horrific image. It's just another reminder why I would never do this to my boys, and how proud I am to have made decision to leave them whole.
I know, this is one of those politically charged subjects, and as much as I want to be a relativist on this to make others feel less uncomfortable, I really do believe circumcision is a bad bad idea. I had it done to me, at a time that nobody knew any better. While I don't feel 'loss', I do wonder what my penis would be like if it had the foreskin intact. But that's not really the point -- it's all a fait accompli. The point is, now that we have the knowledge to know better, there isn't a viable excuse for it. It's legal, and it's a choice given to parents to enact over their children. That's not likely to change any time soon. I respect our rule of law, but I don't agree with the activity. I'm not going to be morally outraged over those who okay the activity, but I would strongly advise against it. Okay, I'm off my soap box.
First off, there is nothing that kills blog creativity like having to blog for work at the same time. I've not touched either blog since tuesday, because I've felt like I've been forced into leaving little messages about my sessions. Lame. Okay, I had good sessions, but I just wanted to, you know, enjoy them. Instead I have to give the book report. So be it. I'll get around to it.
My trip to Portland was pretty cool, good conference, but I was freakin' sick the entire time, waking up every morning with green phlegm in my head and lungs. It sucked. Every evening I felt close to fever until wednesday. I did manage to get out one night and see some live music -- 'Storm and the Balls', at Dante's. It was pretty damn fun, even if I paid for it the next morning with even more phlegm. I went to Powell's tech bookstore too, and bought stuff for Eli, and a secret ninja toy for my birthday (you'll have to come to the party to find out what it is!).
So I'm back now, and I'm finding it hard to sleep. Doh. Tomorrow I spend the day with the boys while Julie goes out with a friend, and then in the evening I go out to see a comedy show that my good friend is in -- can't wait!
I should sleep, but I see myself up for another hour or so. C'est la vie!
This is damned funny, and also poignant. Thanks Trey.
Dance, Monkeys, Dance!
I'm up in Portland again, and yesterday was the first 'pre-conference' day for the con, where we get in-depth tutorials instead of 90-minute regular sessions. I took a full day on Ruby and it's pretty dang exciting as a language, and Rails just makes it completely seductive. I'm going to have to find a project to work on so I can play with it all.
I would have posted yesterday, but alas I AM SICK (!) and I collapsed in the room after dinner. So today I'll post yesterday's info. If you want to read the details on the geekiness which is the Open Source Conference, go to this url:
http://cats.cdl.edu/index.pl/osconblog
So TTFN, I have to get back to my ongoing session... Today is AJAX!
Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home dad, I don't know when
But we'll get together then, I know we'll have a good time then...
I know I've been promising you the report from the last day of comic-con, but after losing the major post, I'm feeling less inspired to make it a big hoo-haw post like I wanted to in the first place, and I doubt at this point I'll get around to it, so let's just say, the comic mini was received well. We got to give one to Dark Horse, and they will review it. We passed it around and got a verbal offer to collaborate on a 8-page story in a quarterly anthology (need to follow up on that) and we got invited to come have lunch at Pixar. Then we went to an awesome club that night, which turned out to be a Burning Man pre-party. Woot!
...but back to this post. Anyone who knows me decently well knows that I have some issues around my father not really being there for me as a companion / playmate / participant in my childhood, and it's something I'm hyper-sensitive about in my own life, so everything I view in my own life and behavior is through that particular filter. I can say that simultaneously I can be too hard on myself because I don't want to repeat my father's sins, and I do indeed repeat those sins when I'm not paying particular attention. My dad had a very hands-off approach to me, and it's what is in the parental tapes.
That being said, this summer has been the nightmare business trip / overworked time for me, and I haven't had a lot of attention or time for my family (especially Eli, who's extra-needy these days because of the addition of Isaac into the mix). I've been trying my damnedest to compensate, and I've even started doing some gaming with Eli (who is, by the way EATING IT UP! Thanks Jason, for the idea), but today I was rushing around to get ready for my trip to Portland for the week (OSCON 2005) and while I was trying to put together some meals for Julie so she wouldn't have to cook, Eli was pestering me to play with me. I kept trying to tell him I was busy and that I would play with him after I was done, but then he sucker-punched me and stopped me cold in my tracks...
I'm your son, don't you want to play with me?
Ow. Damn, that one hurt. It totally floored me right in the kitchen, and after I recovered, I broke from my activities for a short while to go play with play-doh and make jedi play-doh characters.
Mind you, Eli does get a lot of time to play with people, but I do know that he gets proportionally less time to play with his daddy than with his mommy or other folk in his life. I get so damned wrapped up in the shit I think I need to get done (and the stuff I *know* I have to get done) that there's precious little time left for him and me. I'm trying to change this, but it's hard when you get home around 6pm, you have to get dinner on the table (that's my job every day) by 6:30-7 PM, then Isaac needs to go down for the night (and on at least one night a week I have to do that too), then you've got maybe a half-hour to eat and refocus your eyes, then it's into the Eli bedtime routine. It's easy to just plug him in to some movie on the TV while I gather my strength, but I feel very guilty when I resort to that. I'm trying to reclaim that little time we have in the evening for some father-son time. And weekends, well they've seem to vaporize for social events as well.
Again, maybe I'm being too harsh on myself, and perhaps it's a good sign that I'm even noticing this -- I somehow doubt my dad ever got the fact that he was neglecting me. But still, I know other dads that are better at this than I am, and I am working hard to emulate that. They're only kids once, and I sure as hell don't want to miss it. I don't want my sons feeling like they missed out on their dad in their formative years, or that I was distant or unavailable.
Ever struggling to be a better man, a better husband, a better father...
