February 2006 Archives
Today we threw a party for Eli's fifth birthday, and invited about 20 kids from his school and the local community to join us at Round Table Pizza for a few hours of mayhem, mischief, pizza, plastic balls and sugar overload (by the way, my apologies to those I didn't invite and that are our usual suspects -- it was fast and loose this year, and with as crazy as we've been over here, we're lucky it came off at all.) While I fully expected there to be presents purchased and brought to the party for my wily little dude, I think it never quite sunk in that he'd be getting on average a gift FOR EVERY CHILD invited, plus grandparents, etc. So, at the end of the party we're left with a pile of gifts that would rival Christmas/Hannukah/Bridal Shower and after the fifth load to the car, I entered an altered state of consciousness.
OH MY GOD, It's all coming home with us!
Okay, now don't get me wrong -- I really love to buy gifts for my kids, and to see them play with and enjoy gifts that they've received. My parents were struggling when I was a kid, and therefore I only got a few gifts a year, and I loved and cherished the crap out of each and every one. When I got something, it was usually something I wanted a whole lot, and when I got it, I played with it until it wore out. Okay, well that's extreme -- I'm sure I also got stuff I threw in the corner and never played with, but all in all, it was pretty much quality over quantity. But I'm looking over this pile of gifts, and I'm seeing stuff that I never knew even existed -- that I know Eli never knew even existed, and wouldn't have known to ask for it at all before it arrived on the pile o' pleasure. Eli took I think maybe 3 gifts out of their packages today, and there are like 17-20 left to go. This cannot be healthy to have so much toys all at once, and it's not like this kid is starved for toys. If you've seen his room, you know what I mean. What I really worry about is the debasement of material acquisitions and the devaluing of the gifting act. And it's not like this stuff is cheap, either. $10 here, $20 there, some stuff I know was $40... if Eli had gotten cash value for these gifts, he'd be rolling in over $400 easily. Frankly, I'm not even sure where all of this stuff is going to fit. His room is at capacity, and the common space is pretty close to that as well. We JUST did a big toy purge for Christmas/Hannukah, and I'm thinking we may need to do yet another one.
So how do you guard against the massive toy influx? I certainly don't want to discourage toy purchase altogether, but how do you moderate for your kid in a world that requires guests at a party to bring gifts out of courtesy? I'm all for driving the economy and all, but I just don't want my kid to look at possessions as essentially disposable and meaningless (at least not in a non-buddhist way.) I have my ideas, actually. Eli has a 529 open, and I'm about ready to open one for Isaac, as soon as the paperwork goes through. I think I'm going to just start including the account number on all invites and say 'if you'd like to make a contribution to Eli's future, instead of his consumeristic present, please give $20 toward his college education', or something of the sort. Plus, I think you can give up to $11k in gifts to any individual tax-free, so it's good for everyone. The other thing I think is pretty good, that Julie mentioned tonight, was something she's seen done with older kids: having guests participate to a charity of Eli's choosing, instead of purchasing gifts. That seems like a great way to further foster the giving spirit we're trying to instill in Eli right now.
And just to catch myself in my own hypocrisy, tonight Eli brought with him to his grandparents one of his gifts -- a double gift, actually, of two mega-blocks dragons (dude, these things ROCK!)(Irascor and Ferrerius). Eli allowed his favorite older cousin, Jonah, to open and play with one of the dragons, and he spontaneously offered to let Jonah have and keep one of the dragons. This had to be one of the most selfless acts I've seen from a five-year-old, and I was totally blown away and... torn... about this. On one hand, wow, my son is totally generous and non-attached to his toys enough to give his cousin one of his BRAND NEW DRAGONS. On the other hand, is he just garnering favor with his elder cousin, and did he REALLY want to give this gift way. Also, did he really grok that it was going to be GONE FOREVER? Besides, *HE* had been given this gift, not Jonah, so shouldn't ELI keep it? What if the friend came over to play and said, 'hey, let's play with those dragons!', and Eli responded 'I gave one away to my cousin' -- what does that say about his respect for the gift-giving process to that friend? Also... these are damned cool dragons. I fully expect to plunk them down in the middle of a gaming mat sometime in the future to my unsuspecting players (sorry guys :)). So... I suggested that perhaps the dragon could be Jonah's whenever he came over to play, but that Eli keep it. As it turned out, Jonah lost interest pretty quickly because after Jonah proclaimed his was better and as they smashed the dragons together, the dragon Jonah got was breaking apart quicker than Eli's dragon, and therefore was inferior and not as strong. This Jonah lower on the dragon pecking order, so he proclaimed them 'stupid and boring'. Ah, the politics of boys.
But, after this encounter, I felt myself feeling a little hollow. Perhaps I should have allowed Eli to go ahead and give his cousin the gift full-out. He's got LIKE TWENTY OTHER TOYS TO PLAY WITH at home. Truth be told, he could give away half the stack, and still be sitting pretty. I feel like I did Eli a disservice by not allowing him to give the dragon away, like he intended. Was my reticence an artifact of my own greed? Did *I* want the dragons? Man, you can never get this shit right as a parent. Deep inside, there is a child that is crying because his parents tell him there isn't enough money to buy that toy he wants. Now that there's enough money, that child feels the guilt of possession.
So yeah, there's a pile of toys in my living room that will soon get unpackaged and integrated into the gestalt. Over half of them will get forgotten, and the other half will be broken, lost, or otherwise damaged and devalued in the act of intense play. The little guy inside of me who envies the feeding frenzy is just gonna have to learn to get over it, and the wary parent needs to be able to make sure the message gets through all the chum in the water. One thing's for certain, I feel totally uncomfortable right now looking at all these toys, and I'm gonna have to get over that for myself. Then, I'm going to figure out a way to allow my values to be reflected in the process.
It seems to me he was just born, we had just brought him home from the hospital. Didn't he just start to walk? To Talk? Time keeps marching no matter what you do and what you say. The only thing you can do is pay attention.
He makes me so proud. Such a caring, loving child. So funny. So willful. So creative. He's got a strong mind and a good heart. I've been privileged to spend this time with him, to watch him grow, to help him along the way. He has been there for me the entire time, with unconditional love. I love my son, and I wish him a very happy birthday.
I went back to my yoga class last Tuesday after probably 4-5 months of being away. With the rigors of parenting, everyday life, crazy work schedules, and the inertia that strengthens itself every single day it is allowed to persist, it's been hard to get my butt back into the studio. However, in doing so I had an instant recollection and recognition of why I love it so much, and why I need to have it in my life. Beyond the obvious physical health benefits (maybe they're obvious -- there are some who still debate the efficacy of the yoga workout. I contend that it kicks my ass more than weight lifting.), there is most definitely a mental benefit as well. I would say 'spiritual', but that's a loaded term that brings into question all sorts of philosophical issues that I would just as soon leave on the back burner. What Yoga brings to me is a certain sense of well-being, a deep connectedness without having a definite 'about-ness'. It's exactly that well-being that I have strived for through my mystical/spiritual pursuits, and which I have often gotten side-tracked from by those very pursuits.
This is all interesting to me, in light of my particular path and some recent decisions that have been put before me around the study of Kabbalah. Some of you that know me, know that I've been on a life-long pursuit of the meaning of my own existence, and a seeker of an experience of a deeper reality than that which is revealed to us in our day-to-day existence (or at least to perceive that deeper reality which IS revealed to us in our day-to-day existence). In that pursuit, I have followed many paths varying across the spectrum, but I can categorize the nature of my pursuits by those which are primarily intellectual or ideological, and those which are primarily physical and ecstatic. Being a person generally driven by the mind, I have a natural gravitation towards those things which appeal to the mind. However, any spiritual pursuit that engaged my mental faculties as a means for affirmation and explanation are ultimately doomed for me, for I have an insatiable skepticism that I can suspend for finite periods of time, but which ultimately always creep back in and fwap me upside the head with 'uh, WTF? This is all a head game, after all!'. I have a deep-seated desire to find a consistent explanation of it all, a link to a higher power or reality, and yet every proposal bottoms out on epistemological grounds. At the base of every pursuit is a requirement to take it on faith or worse, to believe some proposition which is obviously flawed. On the other hand, any physical pursuit or ecstatic pursuit that I follow ultimately feels shallow, and causes me to seek a deeper explanation behind the practice, thus sending me down the road of intellectual inspection and philosophical dogma. Thus, I am back in my same position. I am both drawn towards and ultimately driven away from mystical traditions and explanations.
It has taken me a long time to even recognize this tendency in myself, and I haven't interpreted what it means ultimately. Recently, it's happened again; at the synagogue I went to a session on Kabbalah, which led to me taking a full-day class at the local Chabad. There was an eight-week course on kabbalah and time being given which started on wednesday that I fully intended on taking. The truth is, the concept is intriguing to me, and there are some messages that I heard that I strongly am in tune with, and yet... I took a peek down the road I was yet again about to follow, and I saw a familiar landscape, and that familiarity has bred a certain apprehension. So, I've decided to cool it for now, and take the exploration into Kaballah slow and only on the level of intellectual curiosity. What I desire to avoid is another path that leads to a disappointment and disillusionment because I've allowed myself to get involved in another mystical pursuit without feeling grounded in my connection to it.
This all gets to the root of my questioning of religion/spirituality. I know I have a need for a connection with a higher reality, and I cannot deny that need or ignore it. On the same level, I now that any approach that requires the belief in a dogmatic approach, or attempts to explain itself to the mind in anything but the most scientific and open terms is doomed for failure for me. And so, what this leaves me with is approaches that allow me to feel the connection that I crave, without attempting to explain itself to my mind. As much as I have been attracted to the Western approaches of spirituality, I'm coming to the conclusion that it is the Eastern methods that might hold the key for me, and only the very narrow approach of no-minded meditative work that does not require me to believe anything beyond what I am feeling and sensing in the moment. I will try to take those moments for what they are, and nothing more. That is my challenge, but now I am aware of the processes involved in me. The irony for me is, that the intellectual methods of the western tradition designed to overstimulate the mind into shutting down bring the participant to a similiar state as no-minded methods, but my mind is too active for those methods to work me. So, I must deny and avoid all explanation, and seek the experience of connection directly. Without an explanation, there is no dogma. Without dogma, my mind has nothing to take apart.
So, in a very long-winded fashion, I am saying that Yoga may be the spiritual path I need to take to give me the connection that my inner self desires, and as long as I keep my practice on the basic level and do not dive too deeply into the dogmatic underpinnings, I should be fine.
Turns out that there's a good chance obesity is caused by a virus: pass the cheeseburger, I'm sick!
I've decided to further bifurcate my blog entry subject matters, and am starting up a technology review blog, where I discuss technical resources, software, internet applications, etc. etc. Check it out here: http://www.joshuaarcher.com/techblog/ So, please check it out and follow my mianderings about technology, if you dare!
