Anxiety Abounds... Why does the right decision leave you feeling wrong?
I can't sleep.
Tonight was a tough one for me. Without going into any details whatsoever, there was a decision that had to be made, and a process that had to be gone through, and it wasn't easy. The answer was an obvious one, and yet the process behind getting to the answer left me feeling a little empty inside. Perhaps in another six months I can blog about particulars. For now, suffice to say, I'm in an altered state and I am grieving in my own way for the opposite of the right decision. And, I'm on a path that isn't at its end. There is follow-through and fallout that I yet have to persevere. So, if I'm moody, or distant, please have compassion. I'm gonna be okay.
I stumbled on to this sight, with The Song Remains the Same DVD on with "Dazed and Confused" playing, and reading how even though you KNOW that what you decided to do was the obvious choice it still left you feeling empty going through the process, that longing to choose the opposite of the right decision was permeating in you and to top it off your still on the path which isn't at its end.
Total direct connection to me and my false starts on my spiritual journey, knowing that this choice is the right one and will save me from my self-destructive habit(s). I start well off for a week at most, usually three days or so, and then that urge to go buy that brain killing bag filled with meth (the devils drug) comes around and my willingness to suffer/sacrafice on the road I KNOW will lead me out of this desert of delusion eeks away and I say, "Just one more time, then I'll do it".
Whenever I read the Truth, be it in kabbalistic studies (like ari online education, I was going to their webcasts for awhile until I decided I needed to go to rehab), buddhist texts, gnostic christianity, the writings from India, the philosophy of Spinoza or bits of others, new age "global consciousness" thought, and of course the various songs of Led Zeppelin or Dream Theater or any other song that reminds me of how I need to be completely dedicated to the path. Perhaps I need to pick a certain teaching and convert to it.
I'm still hesitating. My parents have been perfectly patient with me and have helped at all wrong turns with unconditional love and support. Its been six years of gradual searching into the spiritual realm, with the realization of who I am and what I need to do arriving fully when the switch from pot to meth happened in '04. I suppose I would have never come to care about the spiritual side of life had I never become a slave to the "Master of Puppets". Its the path my life has taken and being 27 years old I do not want to dive into the abyss of madness for ten or twenty years knowing I "saw the light", was never in danger financially thanks to my parents, and told both them and "God" that I choose death in my mind and heart.
Anyways...I intended to tell you I connected with what you said and gave way too much information that I could still delete. But I'm not ashamed of what I've done, only that its gone on this long. I hope all is well in your life, brother. I'll visit this site regularly but I'll refrain from the confessions and just read. I'm not sure if this goes to your email or if this will be up for anyone to read after I click submit, but there is no shame here. I'm off to battle my "demon"...
Welcome, fellow traveler.
I know the feeling of wandering and seeking, and of being weak, and paying for mistakes, etc. I myself have my own self-destructive tendencies that I have to struggle with on a daily basis, and which have recently impinged on my health (probably a blog post to follow), but know there is always time to turn it around.
I"m going to go out on a limb here, but it seems to me that you're seeking peace, and where your spiritual paths have let you down, the use of mind-altering substances have given you moments of either lucidity or peace or both, but mostly it takes you out of the driver's seat for a while and allows you to feel instead of think.
This is gonna sound strange, but... have you tried yoga? I think you should find a really good (and spiritually-inclined) teacher, and give it a shot. Try it out for about 3 months, and tell me what you think. I found it to be one of my most powerful spiritual tools, and it doesn't require you to think, but just feel.
Keep up the struggle, and know that you are made of light and are a child of the universe.