April 2006 Archives

Here I am - it's 2 AM and I can't just get myself into bed. I'm resisting the next cup of coffee, because I know it'll trash me, but I'm on the fence between being too tired to do anything more (rightly so) and not tired enough to feel that sleep is inevitable. And so, I blog.

The entry I'm writing now I've been chewing on for about a week, mostly becaues I haven't had the time to get back to it, but also because I'm still heavy in the process of introspection. This blog entry is about executive ability, and in specific, my recognition of my own capacity and talent for executive ability. It's funny, but I have never before considered myself to be on a track towards leadership, even if I've continually shown capacity for it throughout my life, and I certainly never viewed myself as being on track for a job that leveraged that particular skill set.

My dad was (and is) a technition, primarily, and I've learned my work ethic and my approach from him. I was gifted with a keen mind, and a willingness to get my hands dirty, both figuratively and literally. If there is a problem in front of me, I often approach it like a technition/engineer, and hammer through until I find a solution. The engineering / technition way is, for the most part, a solitary act, where the work transmits from mind to hand to solution in a direct way. Yes, you can work on a problem in teams, and yes, you can have a hierarchy of individuals in an engineering team, but the fundamental nature of the work is solitary, back in one's own office/cube, applying mind and force to the implementation of a solution to the problem.

Executive ability, on the other hand, occurs at a much higher level than implementation of solutions. Executive ability is the particular trait of being able to access higher-level information, to digest that information, and to create the conditions under which a solution is found, usually in the act of the utterance of a directive, intended for others to implement. To put it coarsly, it's telling others what to do, but to be accurate, that is not the complete story. An executive takes the readings of a situation, and above all else is willing and capable of deciding on a course of action where others may fear to do the same, for any myriad reasons: lack of data, lack of power, lack of courage, lack of funding... An executive will carefully weigh all factors, and will cut through the situation like a gordian know with the sword of decision, given forth in a speech act. 'Do this!'.

Maybe because I come from a technition's perspective, where one never tells anyone to do anything that they are not willing to do themselves, and where one often knows that doing it themselves will yield better results than delegation (the arrogance of intelligence and ability in action), the thought of executive action, especially if coming from a place of incomplete understanding (or downright ignorance) has been an anathema to me. Well, perhaps that's putting things too strongly -- it is certainly uncomfortable.

And yet, over the last few years of my career, I have begun to recognize the value of executive ability, and have recognized it in others. What's more, I've begun to recognize it in myself, and have realized it is closely bound to courage. I have born witness to executives that know the wisdom of the decision made, even when made with incomplete information. The truth is that information is never complete, and decisions are never final -- the facile executive is firm but flexible, resilient to the effects of the tides of change, but unwavering in resolve. The truth is, any social organization, be it military, commercial, public, political or familial, needs a leader -- someone who will call the shots, take charge, be responsible, and get things done.

I am learning to get things done. My boss actually noted this ability in me perhaps a few months ago, where she made the comment to the effect that I am the type of person that gets things done. This was in regards to the leadership I was taking in the CSU open source movement, but in specifically in regards to my ability to get people together, to talk about problems, to come forth with solutions, and to help the implementation of those solutions. While not exactly my boss, but the executive of the Pachyderm project recently told me that he has been impressed with the leadership that I've taken on the project, and seeing that I have been the acting founding chair of the pachyderm advisory council, it feels really good to both get the opportunity to lead, and the recognition when my leadership is valued.

I feel that I've been maneuvering myself in my career, orienting myself towards leadership. I used to envision my career to proceed along the purely technical track, perhaps placing myself in the position of chief architect, or some such big-brained primary role in the creation of solutions for problems. Now, I wisely (or cynically) realize I will never be the best technical worker, for a number of salient reasons. I am certainly proficient, and I'm very good at creating solutions, but the implementation details are best left to the younger, smarter, fresher and let's face it, cheaper labor force that's out there. My place, ultimately, I feel is in the role of decision maker. I don't think I could ever give up my love of technology, or my involvement with it, but I feel that it is precisely because of my deep and broad technological understanding, that I could make an excellent executive, armed with my raw talents in coordinating conversations, teaching, diseminating information, and coordinating the actions of others, but augmented by my learned experience as a technical worker.

It's getting late, and finally I'm tired enough to fall asleep. Unfortunately, I'm beyond the ability to write coherently. I guess the point I was getting to is this; there is no room for advancement within my current group for my current office environment, and so if I wish to continue to move forward but remain in the edu system, I need to get very good at self promoting, and to score points with individuals within the edu system, but outside of my immediate group. If I can land a sufficient number of projects as the leadership role, I might build a fairly good reputiation, and might be able to leverage my popularity and stye into a new role, job, position, etc. Who knows. For now, I know that I am shaping my own destiny, and for once I feel that it is in the palms of my own hands, and that I am capabile to make anything happen.

That being said, I'm off to sleep. I suggest you go to sleep now aas well :)

i wanna rock: "

'What do you want to do with your life?!'

'I wanna rock.'

----

I read about this on Wil Wheaton's blog, and I totally want this game.

This week Julie is in Las Vegas on business (yeah right, what happens in Vegas...) and I'm here playing solo daddy with both boys and all the pets, save Oreo who I opted to have boarded for the time that Julie is gone. Oreo is still hanging on, though we've been administering IV fluids and vitamins twice a day for several months now, she seems to be stable but not getting any better. Her hunger is up, her activity is up, but she's tied to the IV bag, and I just couldn't find the space or energy to handle that aspect of care along with everything else I need to handle. Julie can do it, but she's a wonder chick and I hate needles bad enough as it is, I don't think I have the fortitude right now to repeatedly stick a tiny animal with a sharp metal pointy thing. I'm just getting off this gawdawful sickness (did I praise the merits of Zithromax enough?!) and I just... well I just don't want to do it.

So, there you go. We dropped the kitty off this morning, and tonight in my moving through the motions, I've been noticing all these little rituals that have integrated into my life that I am not needing to do. I am usually the one to feed Oreo, but... she's not here. She usually bugs me and lets me know she's hungry, and I give her a pill pocket treat full of her thyroid and indigestion meds, and a half-can of wet food (special kidney-friendly kind), and I clean her cat box... all that, just missing from my evening. And it hits me -- soon, I won't be doing all those things, but permanently.

Julie and I are at differing stages and opinions around Oreo and her continuing life, the time and the expense involved with keeping her in stasis, and up until now I've really been of the mind that I'm ready for her to pass on. I see how thin she is, and how little energy and strength she has in comparison to 'the old days'. She nearly falls over every time I reach out and try to pet her, and she can't jump up on anything anymore. She's quite literally a wraith of what she used to be. And yet, there's still that Oreo spark in there, and she's still happy to see her family, and she still enjoys eating (and purrs when she gets her food)... so, it doesn't seem like she's done yet. And so, yeah... we're just spending hundreds of dollars a month to keep her in this state.

But tonight, I think I got a taste of the tangible loss that will be coming when she finally checks out and leaves us the bill. Even this thin existence she has right now gives me some sort of value, if not just the completion of a learned habitual behavior, a rounding out of my evening. The brief company she gives is still company. I do love that little kitty. In fact, my affection for her runs deeper than that I have for either of the other animals in the house. I love Tomo and Maxi, but Oreo is definitely my kitty girlfriend, and that old gal is so frail now... it breaks my heart. It's hard for me to watch, and so I keep myself distracted in my everyday life. I have my boys to keep me occupied, and they do an excellent job of that.

I used to help Julie administer the IV (I'd hold the kitty, and she'd stick it), but recently I've stopped because I've expressed to Julie that it's too much for me, and she's willing to do it on her own. In that, I've lost that focused time on just Oreo that I was getting twice a day, and which Julie is still enjoying. Sure, it's a pain in the ass, especially when you're late for work, and the kids are late for school, and you think 'oh great, one MORE thing for me to do!', but if you surrender to the time, you realize what a gift it is.

Oreo, I'm really gonna miss you when you're gone. I'm not gonna miss the meds, and the frail thin you that you've become, but I'm going to miss that unconditional love that you give so uncharacteristically for a cat. How you'd jump up and sleep by my head at night, just purring so loudly and happily that you were close to me. How many times did I boot you off the bed, or toss you away because I was annoyed with how close you'd get, or how loud you'd purr... and now, well that's gone. You can't jump up on the bed anymore, and your purr is so very quiet now. You'd cuddle up on the couch with me whenever I sat down, and I'd toss you off more often than not. Now, you're in the bathroom most of the time and I hardly see you in the day to day of our lives. Girl, you were a great friend, and if you're still happy in your life, then you can have it for a while longer. It's expensive, and it's a pain, but once it's gone, it's gone for good. I can't give it back to you once it's taken away. I won't be able to do this forever, and eventually I may have to say goodbye before you're ready to go. I'm sad about that, and I'd rather you be the one to let go before I have to force your hand. And yet, for now, I'll choose not to think about it. I'll just let you be what you are, in the way that you can. I'll remember to pet you and to love you, and give you your food and clean your litter box. I'll do my best to cherish what's left.

I hope you're warm and safe tonight, and you're not too lonely. I'll see you in a few days.

...and the results of which you can view on the links page!

Okay, so only hours after my last blog post, I was feeling better already, and this morning? I woke up completely clear, with no congestion to be found anywhere, no sinus pain, no nasal pain, no sore throat (only the inklings that I even used to have a sore throat) and no chest conjestion. Man, I f*cking love western medicine. I swear to you, if some witch doctor with a bone through his nose came and shook a dead chicken over my body and said some crazy words to the mighty Juju and I woke up feeling this great the next day, I'd be a true believer. All praise the mighty Juju.

I am notoriously bad about not wanting to take meds and not wanting to rely on western medicine, but this time... oh man, I love me them doctors. Zithromax is the f*cking shisnit. All praise the pharmeceutical companies. Take my money, make me poor. Just make my cold and infection disappear in twelve hours.

yay.

I am so finishing this series of meds off. I do NOT want this evil mofo of a cold coming back.