June 2008 Archives

I had this long post all prepared yesterday to talk about Julie and my weekend in Napa, but that is going to have to wait. Tonight at 11pm, we had to put Tomo to sleep. But let me start at the beginning. About a week and a half ago, while I was away with Eli at a cub scout overnight, Julie was at home with Isaac and the pets, and Tomo started barfing repeatedly all night long, and got really sick. We'd seen her do something like this once before several weeks prior, but she got over it, so we didn't think anything of it. However, this time, Tomo was really weak and wasn't getting any better. We took her in to the emergency vet, and after a fairly expensive test battery, they determined/surmised that she had a stomach torsion - which is when the belly flips over on itself inside the abdominal cavity, cutting off the ins and outs of the stomach, and evidently the only treatment is surgery or it can be fatal. We opted for the surgery, and Tomo has been recovering all week long. A few days ago, however, she started looking really bad, and we took her into the vet, who did another set of highly expensive tests that were ultimately inconclusive. We brought her home, and earlier today she slipped back into looking really bad, so Julie brought her into the emergency vet, and they took a look at her. They did a battery of tests, and all the while her condition rapidly worsened, including very labored breathing. As it turns out, she had fluid inside and around the lungs, and they determined the most likely cause was cancer, and this was probably related to / the cause of the bloating that led to the stomach torsion. The condition is terminal (I'm not up to doggie chemo), and her condition was really really bad, so we opted to say goodbye and let her go in dignity, with both her mommy and daddy with her, giving her love. She was in a lot of pain, so they had her doped up and sadly she wasn't all that present, but perhaps that's also for the best.

I'm still a little numb around it all, and feeling the loss deep inside but I'm not letting it overwhelm me just yet. We spent almost a dozen years with that puppy, and it's a lot to grapple with in saying goodbye. Memories, regrets, happy times and hard ones - she was a joy and a pain in the butt, so very smart and so very dumb at the same time, but always loving. Right now I just miss the way she'd follow me around the house and lay down near where I was at any given time, just to be near her alpha male. I'll never hear her snore or watch her bark at dream doggies ever again. No more face licks and stinky breath. No more tug-of-wars, and tripping over her all the time. And now, when food hits the floor - I have to clean it up by hand.

My only wish is that these last few days weren't so very hard on her, with shoving pills down her throat, watching her be in pain and lose control of her bladder, and really to have her fall apart in such a short and dramatic way. At least she didn't suffer over too long a period.

Tomo, we'll miss you.

Today I am on day 20 of the fast, and I weighed in at 229 (did yesterday as well, but I suspect yesterday was nearer 230, and today was nearer 228) - feeling great, and there is something magical about crossing the day 20 mark. My consciousness is bright and clear, and today's yoga class kicked major ass. After my best inversions ever, I was running around like I was buzzed on a triple espresso (just ask Julie!). Today I've felt fantastic, and revving for the world. This weekend Julie and I are going to Napa for the weekend, where we will enjoy luxurious spa treatments and take a hot air balloon ride in celebration of our 13th wedding anniversary (June 18th).

We're heading out after dinner tonight, so I'll make contact if I can, but if not, you'll get my update on Monday!

Today is day 18, I'm weighing in at 231 (yesterday I broke the set point at 233), and I finally feel like my fundamental body shape is changing. The dominant belly is really reducing (tho I have at least 10-15 more pounds to go before it's dramatically different). I find that I am waking up immediately in the mornings, and my body isn't heavy, and I'm not as clumsy as I used to be. Every cell is up and at attention. I'm starting also to get so far into the fast, that I'm having problems remembering to take my fluids at times, and it might be two or three hours past my assigned time that I finally remember to get something to drink. Mornings are always easier than the evenings as far as my mental boredom with the items in my juice bag, and drinking the veggie broth is always the worst. However, I went to Cafe Gratitude for the first time last night with a friend, and it was pretty cool in their selection of different inventive juices (and foods - gonna try it out when I'm eating again). Found out there's one in San Rafael, so I won't even have to go that far (though the one in the city is pretty cool).

On the doggie front, Tomo is back at home and recovering, though she's not liking to take her medication. Her throat got all raw from both the barfing and from the tubes they had down her throat, so she's unhappy with anything we force her to eat. Only time now will heal the wounds, and with the surgery, we're fairly assured that this particular thing won't happen again.

So, the fast is going well, although I'm at another set point and haven't moved from 234 in a few days. Tonight I cooked dinner for Julie and her parents for Father's day, and it was an interesting experience. This is the first time I've cooked dinner for anyone where I haven't actually partook of the meal as well. Shades of what a chef must feel like. It was nice.

But that's not the complaint. The reason this has been a suckfest weekend, is for several reasons:

1) Julie's computer died on Saturday and we were forced to buy a new one (repairs would take too long and would basically shut down her ability to do work on our business. There is no question.) $2600 gone.

2) Tomo, our dog, has developed some nasty stomach twist or inversion (http://www.healthypet.com/library_view.aspx?ID=30&sid=1) that cost roughly $2000 to diagnose, and is going to cost us another $4500 to fix. They have to do surgery, and hopefully it all works out okay. Last night she was puking all night long, and in terrible pain. We took her into the pet emergency hospital, and are now deciding to either have the hospital do the surgery, or our regular vet. We're going to try to wait until the morning and talk to our vet, unless the hospital calls us back and tells us we can't wait any longer.

So we've blown roughly $10k this weekend, and at a time where we're hemorrhaging money due to starting up several businesses. Ugh. I guess that's why we have home equity lines of credit (while they still work). But, the Universe takes care of her own, and money comes easily and frequently to us (positive mantra), so we'll just have to hustle a bit more, and we'll make up for it.

Right? Right?

*Sigh*

Hello everyone - easy to tell what day it is on the fast, since I started on the 1st. Today's the thirteenth, and I'm down to 234 pounds. It's astounding the difference in consciousness and body consciousness you feel when you drop 30 pounds. I find myself more alert, and calmer. I'm also getting a decent amount of exercise these days, with daily walks of 1-2 miles, and I'm about to head off for my Friday yoga class, which always kicks my ass. It's been a couple of weeks, so it should be interesting to get folks' reaction to my different appearance. One thing I'm starting to realize as I shed the pounds is just how thin I really am underneath all this bulk. I mean, I'm just not an athletic kinda guy, and my arms and legs are kinda small once you remove all the fat. I don't do the muscle building necessary to justify my apparent frame, and it'll be interesting how I redefine myself after this is through. I've always seen myself as a 'big' guy, so if I'm not fat, I've got to be muscle-bound - those are the options for big guys, right? Well - what if I'm neither? What if I'm actually kind of a thinner guy, with longer muscles instead of thick powerful ones? I remember in high school being better at long-distance running than sprinting, and I've never really been all that strong. I mean, I'm 'guy' strong, but I'm not a weight lifter. Maybe I'm a thin yoga guy. Hmm... In order to stay that way, however, I'm gonna have to be much more athletic. I love to hike, and to walk - these things actually come pretty easily to me. And doing it every day has been a tremendous boon to my body healing. The thing that's been tripping me out the most, however, is my relationship to sleep. Without the caffeine, I'm completely subject to the affects of my normal cycle, and I'm requiring 7-8 hours of sleep every night now. If I don't get it, I totally feel it the next day, and I don't even consider it to be a question or option anymore. When it's bedtime, I go. Sometimes I'm even in bed before Julie, which is just crazy talk. I also know that there is growing evidence between sleep deprivation and obesity, and well... I don't want to be fat anymore, so I guess I just have to start sleeping. Okay, gotta run, talk to you all probably after the weekend - I'm taking Eli on a Cub Scout outting to sleep over on a square-rigged ship in the SF Bay, then it's off to the Pirate festival on Sunday! Arrr....

This morning is day 11, and I'm down to 238. Broke through the set point, and I'm on the descent into the next weight class. Every day I'm feeling healthier and much smaller in myself, although I'm still pretty big. It's like freedom not having to put out so much physical effort to do physical things. A drop in 27 pounds has been a great burden off of my heart and lungs, as well as my muscles. I'm walking much more easily, without being winded, and my blood pressure and pulse continue to drop. I can safely say that if I ever get to 240 again, that's DEFCON 5 and signs for emergency intervention. I should never get as high as 265 - that's just plain dangerous. I am definitely starting to become aware of the differences between my body feeling hungry, and my stomach feeling hungry, and my mind feeling hungry. I am dropping weight fast, so there is no denying that my body is 'hungry' - it's consuming itself instead of external fuel (though I have to report no feeling of 'weakness', just a sense that my body wishes it had external fuel, instead of working on its own reserves). That's the desired effect, and I have to come to a peace with that while it's happening, or else it will break my resolve. Luckily, my mind is feeling absolutely fine in terms of functioning and clarity, so I don't have any of the symptoms of starvation that affect consciousness. Also, my stomach is never growly, grumbly, or knotted - it's functionally asleep, along with the rest of my digestive system. It's funny, in our normal every-day world, these bits are all intermingled, and it's hard to differentiate between them. When you're fasting intelligently, however, you fulfill the needs of certain systems while denying others, and they come apart into their separate functioning units right before your eyes. If you move outside of your conditioned responses and become observant, you start to notice all sorts of fascinating things. As for the day, usually mornings are easiest, as I've purged a lot of toxins out of my system, and my energy level is high and my alertness is high. Into the afternoon, I can feel the toxins build up again and threaten to reabsorb into my tissues, and my alertness starts to stagger a bit. Usually I pick back up into the evening, but again all of those normal shifts in biorhythms have been masked for years by habitual coffee drinking, so I'm re-learning how to be with my natural state. In general, I find my concentration more steady, and my mood even. The up-and-down stress of stimulants can really put you out of touch with yourself, and you live in a general haze that's only alleviated somewhat with regular dosing of your drug. What a bummer to realize that your favorite drug is putting you in a stupor. :) Okay, off to do my morning ritual. I'll keep checking in. Oh, also, walked 2.2 miles yesterday without a struggle. Not sure I could have done that a few weeks ago.

I've been on a plateau over the last few days as far as weight loss has gone (hit a set point), but this morning I spilled over and dropped to 240. I've pretty much naturalized into the fast, and last night I started having some insights around philosophical issues that I haven't been available to in recent times. Energy levels are good (still getting used to not being driven forward with caffeine and listening to my natural call of sleep and rest) and purging all sorts of toxins. The morning 'cleansings' are becoming more and more essential, as I can feel the build-up over the nighttime in the morning. Waited a little too long this morning, and I think some of the toxins started to re-absorb into my system, making me feel oogie. My mouth is bored of the fast, I have to say. There's just no joy in apple juice and veggie broth. I have to live vicariously in the smells of the foods around me, and quietly sigh within. *sigh*. :) But, I am having lots of fun feeling myself in my new weight zone. It's still way more than I want to carry on me, but I already feel lighter and more able to do aerobic exercise without huffing and puffing. twenty more pounds, and I'll be feeling even better.

but, speaking of that lack of caffeine to drive me, it's nearly 11pm and I'm in need of sleep. I've pushed the envelope too much over the last few days (4-6 hrs sleep), and it's catching up with me. So, ttfn and I'll report on the other side of double digit fast days tomorrow.

Weighed in today at 242 lbs, and feeling good, but my body is definitely pushing out more toxins and I'm waking up with a mouth full of ick every day. All part of the program. I am finding that my senses are much more acute (sight, smells, etc.) and I'm definitely feeling more in my body these days. I still have some desire to eat what is around me, but it's not a body desire - my mind just likes the smells I'm smelling, and would love to taste them. But, I'm keeping myself occupied with other things and the desires go away. I'm happy to be on the lower end of this weight class, but I'm looking forward to jumping back down below 220 - that's decent for me (not best, but it's at the top of the next weight class). My goal for the fast is to drop below 200, and my ultimate goal for my body and health is to be between 160-180lbs, depending on my muscle mass at the time. I weighed 180 in high school, but I know even then I was carrying more weight than I needed. 160 would be fighting trim, and I won't be able to maintain that weight without consistent exercise and relatively restricted diet. We'll see when I get closer what my body and mind want to do. Right now, I focus on 200.

Starting day four, weighed in at 245. Yesterday I had a little bit of 'ghost hunger' - when you look at food and kinda want it, but my body's digestive system is practically shut down at this point, and didn't physiologically respond (no grumbles). It's all a mental thing, and easy to get over if you don't focus on it. I'm starting to feel the toxins release from my cellular tissue in earnest now, with waves of blech and a heavy coating on the tongue in the morning, but I'm simultaneously feeling my consciousness clear, and my alertness is higher even unassisted by caffeine. I'm starting to get the 'you look great' comments from people that I haven't told about the fast, and that's always excellent positive reinforcement. Also, my energy level is high and level, which is awesome. All that energy usually spent eating and digesting, and the peaks and troughs of blood sugar are gone, and now it's just me. My inner sense of well-being is strong, and I'm very present in my body. That's all to report from the field so far.

In other news, save the date for June 28th & 29th, as Beowulf Mead will be debuting at its own booth at the San Anselmo Art and Wine festival, in San Anselmo. http://www.sananselmochamber.org/artfestival.fsp. This will be my debut to the public, and you won't want to miss it.

Starting day two today, weighed in at 249, and feeling great. No hunger and no feelings of weakness - just awake body and awake mind. This is a good thing, because I need to get back to business. Last week was rough with the detoxing off of coffee addiction, and I need to power through and take it forward. One report, yesterday at the end of the day, I definitely felt myself under the affects of toxic release, so the enemas are really going to be imperative for cleaning out the system. My mind still think on food from time to time, but it's not something that is going to be an issue - just early in the fast, and making food for my family puts me in contact with things I like to eat. However, I survived the weekend with its barbecue and ice cream cake, so I think I'm gonna be okay. Barbecue is hard for me, because it's really my favorite meal, but it's also what got me where I am now so I have to change my relationship to it. Mostly I need to move my eating patterns from festival foods all the time, to just festival foods for festivals. I have to work up a regular diet plan that keeps my caloric count down, and my glycemic index low. But I don't have to start obsessing on diet just yet - I have another 59 days of fasting to go (including today).

Today's the first day of my actual fast, and all the joys of the morning ritual have descended upon me. Colonic cleanse, alkaline broth, cold showers... it's actually not all that bad. I'm away on a family weekend at my brother-in-law's house, and I'm typing away while the family finishes breakfast, and feeling quite serene. I forgot about the extra time you can generate by not having to sit at the meal table, though it may be socially awkward. As for hunger, so far so good - no feelings of cravings even in the presence of cooking bacon scents. It allows you to reflect on the food that you usually so unconsciously put into your body - I love bacon, but it always leaves me feeling like I've dumped crude oil into my body. I'm starting to see foods like that as a food form of smoking or drinking - makes you feel momentarily good, but ultimately hurts you. I've quit smoking years ago and I've never been a heavy drinker. I probably could quit bacon, or at least severely curtail it. My biggest issue over the last few years is, I haven't refused myself any craving, and that's what's put me up over 265 at my largest, and suffering from organ dis-ease. As for weight, I haven't checked today because I'm not on my home scale, and it'll not be consistent, but I'm feeling cleaner and clearer, and on a path of healing. I think there's a difference in my mental state this time around with the fast that wasn't necessarily there in the past. Maybe it's my age and experience, maybe it's the news that I *have* to lose weight or else, or maybe it's just my commitment-engagement in my life these days, but I am having no issues at all with entering into the fast like I have in the past. This is really way easier than it sounds like, folks. It all comes down to commitment. The body behaves itself just fine - it's the mind that's the issue.